


How Do I Pick Up My Pieces?

by mismatched_ideas



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguments, Canon Compliant, Crying, Emotional Baggage, Friends With Benefits, Insecurity, Lashing Out, M/M, Miscommunication, Poor Self-Image
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-11-22 11:16:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11379087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mismatched_ideas/pseuds/mismatched_ideas
Summary: He liked their physical intimacy even if there wasn't anything deeper between them. He didn't need anything deeper, at least that's what he'd convinced himself of. With physically intimacy there came trust and, honestly, that was enough for him. More than enough to know that He trusted him with himself.





	How Do I Pick Up My Pieces?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure this has been done but oh well.

He wasn’t sure how they ended up here but it was much deeper than he ever meant for things to get. But he liked the physical intimacy, even if there wasn’t anything deeper than that between them. He didn’t need anything deeper, at least that’s what he’d convinced himself of. With physically intimacy there came trust and, honestly, that was enough for him. More than enough to know that He trusted him with himself.

“Viktor?”

Viktor was brought suddenly out of his own thoughts, staring dumbly at Yuuri until he sighed and repeated his question.

“I asked what you wanted for dinner. The onsen is packed and I don’t want to overwork them.”

Yuuri was considerate and careful and Viktor lov– liked that about him. He _liked_ Yuuri quite a bit. They were friends, he was his coach, and maybe they had a little something else on the side but that was all. 

Viktor knew Yuuri had better options than him, more stable options. People who weren’t broken apart by the monotony of life. People who knew how to act without actually acting. 

Viktor was a great actor but Yuuri had torn apart every single mask. Viktor tried to be exactly what Yuuri wanted but it didn’t work. 

Then he’d told Viktor the one thing Viktor had never been told before, at least not by someone like this. He was told to just be Viktor. And in that moment Viktor fell in– Viktor felt like he had when they first met at the banquet. 

Comfortable. Happy.

Safe. 

But Yuuri had made it very clear that whatever Viktor was to him, Viktor wouldn’t be a boyfriend. Viktor would be lying if he said his heart didn’t sink when Yuuri said no to Viktor being his boyfriend, especially after Viktor had gotten up the confidence to ask him. 

The day after their talk they’d gone out for dinner and both got a little drunk, not enough to be a problem but definitely enough to give Viktor bad ideas. Apparently, drinking gave Yuuri the same ideas when they came home late, Viktor leaning against Yuuri for support because even after a drink or two he became less than graceful. At least that’s what he let Yuuri believe. Really, he just liked an excuse to press their bodies together.

But when Yuuri dropped Viktor off in his bed he lingered for a moment. It was small but it was enough for Viktor’s drunk brain to decide to grab Yuuri's wrist. It was a light grasp, easy for Yuuri to pull out of, but he didn’t. He lingered for a few more moments and Viktor pulled him towards the bed. 

Yuuri had obliged and that was how it started, this unofficial intimacy. 

It was always the same between them. Yuuri would appear in Viktor’s room with some excuse on the tip of his tongue then, when it came time for him to leave, he’d linger by Viktor. Viktor would grab his wrist — lightly, always lightly — and wait. Yuuri wouldn’t pull away, wouldn’t move at all, and then Viktor would give a tug.

They didn’t talk. They spoke, they said words, but they didn’t talk. They finished and then Yuuri would leave to either sleep or shower or both. 

Viktor knew that they were nothing special, that Yuuri was the kind of guy that might pretend he wasn’t a stud but who could get anyone he wanted. And he’d want someone better than Viktor, someone who wasn’t just a pretty face. Someone with substance, who could be comforting and funny and _there_. 

And none of that was Viktor so he was fine with what they were. 

“Wherever you think we should go, Yuuri!”

He was fine.

\---

He was aware that it was stupid to be jealous of Minami Kenjirou. He was a kid and more than that, Yuuri didn’t like him like that.

But there was a voice in Viktor’s head that couldn't help but point out that maybe Minami would be a better match for Yuuri.

But no, he knew there were thirty thousand reasons that wasn't a worry. 

That didn't stop him from applying lip balm to Yuuri’s lips and it didn’t stop him from pulling Yuuri into an embrace that was a little tighter than would be considered proper for a coach and student. His heart skipped a beat a little when Yuuri held him back. 

And then he’d almost hugged Yuuri again after the free skate was over, but at the last moment something in his mind snapped and he pulled away. He blamed the nosebleed. 

It wasn’t because of the nosebleed. 

\---

This was a bad idea and he knew it. What kind of coach was he to be allowing Yuuri to press their bodies together in a breathless embrace in their dark hotel room? Apparently whatever kind he was, which he suspected was the _bad_ kind.

But watching Yuuri out on the ice had been so different this time. He’d been more forceful, more direct. Viktor knew it was an act, what else could it be, but it got to him. 

He’d been the one to say Yuuri was ready to take it to the next level but then Yuuri had pulled their faces close, Viktor almost losing himself in the smell of Yuuri, and commanded Viktor to watch. To not look away. 

And Viktor hadn’t. He hadn’t been able to.

Now, he couldn’t look away again but he knew he should.

He didn’t. 

When Yuuri crawled back into his own bed and Viktor was left alone in his own bed he almost voiced the question trying to claw its way out of his chest. It was a question that came from the same place as the ache he’d started to feel months ago, an ache that didn’t get better with time. It just got worse as they got closer and closer without touching. Like galaxies dancing around each other, the only way for this to end was with destruction and Viktor suspected it would be his destruction. He’d be torn apart by Yuuri's gravity and thrown away and… he wasn’t sure he was unhappy about that. 

If being torn apart by Yuuri was the closest he’d get to deeper meaning between them, then he’d take it. He’d been torn apart before and at least this ripping was sweet. 

He desperately wanted to ask, though, what this meant to Yuuri. How long did he imagine this last? 

But Viktor wouldn’t ask those things because he was trying to be a good coach and those questions would only tear them both apart. He wasn’t going to hurt Yuuri, he wasn’t going to break him, right before such an important day. 

In the dark, though, he found himself cold and missing Makkachin more than he had in years.

\---

He’d screwed it all up because that’s what he did.

Viktor didn’t know why he thought he knew how to be a coach, let alone a friend, for Yuuri. He did what he did best, hurt people. Made people he cared about cry because he didn’t know how to exist like a normal person. 

Everyone he cared about ended up hating him just like Yuuri would after this. 

Mariya had cried. Ilya had left him a note saying he couldn’t stand Viktor anymore. Mark just stopped texting. Nina didn’t even cry, she just spit in his face and told him he was a piece of shit. Chris was the only one who’d stayed but even he said that he couldn’t stay in that kind of relationship with Viktor. 

If you got too close to him, you’d be torn up by his gravity and Viktor was just glad that he’d found some with a stronger gravity. 

When Mariya cried he’d felt nothing. When he woke up to an empty bed and a note he’d gotten dressed and went for coffee. After three unanswered texts, he deleted Mark’s number. When Nina stormed off Viktor simply went to the bathroom and washed his face off. When Chris said he couldn’t date him anymore, Viktor had just smiled and said he thought they’d been more friends with benefits anyway. Chris had looked hurt and told Viktor this was exactly why he was impossible to stay with, because when he was scared he hurt people without meaning to. And Viktor was always scared. 

He would gladly be ripped apart and maybe that’s always what he’d been trying to do. He’d been trying to force someone to cut his stitches and let his seams tear but he was always the one who broke the other. He’d been so happy to find someone who affected him like Yuuri did because for once he’d be able to feel what all his previous lovers had felt. 

He’d finally, finally, be torn apart by something sweeter than life.

But he’d been wrong. 

In an effort to help he’d hurt Yuuri, broke him, and he’d give anything to put the pieces back together. Wasn’t it just like him to hurt the most when he tried to help? 

\---

It was a stupid move. A really, _really_ stupid move. Possibly the stupidest thing he’d ever done and he’d done some stupid things in the past. 

But Yuuri had shocked him, had reminded him of so much he’d forgotten. Viktor didn’t really feel much anymore but that skate stirred something in him that he’d forgotten. It was a love for skating and an appreciation of the art that he’d forgotten amidst the medals and the fame. And maybe, it was love.

So when he met Yuuri at the edge of the ice he did something stupid, something impulsive.

He was sure Yuuri would slap him, would curse at him, but instead, he smiled softly at Viktor from the ice, his head cradled protectively in Viktor’s hand.

And, god, Viktor could stay there forever. The soft look from Yuuri, the feeling of being alone even though they weren’t and he shouldn’t have done this, it was all so perfect.

Viktor didn’t know what he’d been thinking, but it seemed like a good choice.

\---

“How could you?” Viktor watched Yuuri from the bed, the younger man pacing back and forth as he shouted. Viktor didn’t like how loud Yuuri was but he didn’t know what to say. “In front of everyone to do something so stupid! What are you, a horny teenager?”

“Yuuri, I–”

“You think I’m just something you can toy with, but I’m not!” Yuuri turned to glare at Viktor and the Russian man was left speechless. What was Yuuri even saying? “I’m not just another face in your line of conquests. I was fine with whatever we had because it wasn’t going to hurt anyone, but you just had to make it public, didn’t you?” Yuuri sat down hard in the desk chair across from Viktor’s bed, threading his hands into his still partially gelled hair. “Minako warned me about being careful but I didn’t listen. Now, what do you want to do? What the hell do you want from me?”

And Yuuri was crying again and Viktor didn’t know what to do. He didn’t understand what Yuuri was saying, it didn’t make sense to his mind, and so he didn’t know what to say. Had he really wanted them to be nothing so much that he was afraid that them being public about their relationship would hurt people? But no, that wasn't it. Viktor had assumed Yuuri wanted more but now Yuuri would have to let everyone down by telling them there wasn't anything more between them because of course there was nothing more between them. But why had Yuuri looked so happy on the ice?

“Yuuri, I don’t understand.”

“What don’t you understand?” Yuuri asked, his voice strained through tears. “I’m sorry I’m not easy but you should have known I wouldn’t be easy.”

“I never thought you’d be easy.” Viktor responded truthfully, “I thought this was what you wanted.”

“Why would this be what I wanted?” Yuuri asked and Viktor felt his heart breaking. It was true, why would he ever think that Yuuri would want anything more with him. 

“I’m sorry, we can just–” Viktor’s voice caught but he refused to cry. He could have predicted this and it was his own fault that it had come to this. Wasn't this what he wanted? To be completely destroyed by their intimacy? “Why don’t we just forget this happened?”

“How?” Yuuri pulled his feet up onto the chair and his knees into his chest. “How can we forget?”

“I’m sorry,” Viktor whispered, looking at his lap without saying anything else. “I’m sorry for screwing up.” He stood abruptly, “I need to go.”

Yuuri didn’t say anything as Viktor escaped the too small room they would have to share tonight. 

\---

He and Chris might have a strange past together, but when Viktor showed up at his hotel room with tears in his eyes, he didn’t think twice about letting the Russian man in.

“Trouble in paradise?”

“I can’t believe I did that,” Viktor said, pulling a blanket around his shoulders as Chris made tea. “I knew that’s not who we were but I just– I couldn’t think of anything other than how much I lo– like him.” 

“Yuuri seemed happy afterward.” Chris handed him the mug and sat next to his friend. “What happened?”

“He was putting on a show, for the cameras." That was the only explanation Viktor could think of. "When we got back to our room he got so angry with me and then he started crying and I just left.”

“What did he say?” Chris asked, patting Viktor on the back as he sipped the tea. 

“He asked why I thought this was what he wanted. He said his ballet teacher warned him about this. He asked why I thought I could toy with him.” Viktor took another sip while Chris scrunched his eyebrows together, puzzle pieces in his mind slowly coming together. “I didn’t understand half of what he was saying but I should have known we were only friends with benefits. I wanted more from the beginning but he didn’t and I thought I could do this forever but we couldn’t. I thought I was fine being hurt by this but I was wrong.”

“Slow down, Viktor. Tell me a little about what he said after the thing about toying with him.”

“Umm…” Viktor tried to think back, the memory hurting. "He said he wasn’t just a face in a line of conquests… something about not being easy.” Viktor had stopped crying but he felt the tears coming back. “Chris, I apologized. I said we could go back to the way things were. I just want him to– I don’t want to be without him.”

Chris sighed, and pulled Viktor head to his chest. “Honey, I know I’ve said some heartless things to you in the past but you need to realize you’re worth more than just sex.”

“I just wanted to know what it was like to be torn apart instead of tearing other people apart but it hurts and I don't like it and I just hurt someone else I care about.”

“Yah, you did.” Chris told him honestly, “But I think you’re misunderstanding how.”

“What?”

“Go back and talk to him. I think Yuuri was scared and confused and lashing out. Sounds a lot like someone I know.” Viktor bit his lip, “But I think there’s been a misunderstanding.”

Chris stood and stole back the tea, pulling Viktor out of bed.

“Go talk to him. You have to figure this out.”

“I don’t–”

“Don’t assume.” Chris steered the blond toward the door, “Talk.”

\---

Viktor stood in front of their room for almost ten minutes before he knocked quietly. He was surprised when the door was answered by Phichit, who just threw him a glare.

Of course, Phichit would be here. Phichit was the one Yuuri deserved, not Viktor. 

“What do you want?” The Thai man looked Viktor up and down, looking distinctly unimpressed. 

“I–” Viktor’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat, trying again. “Chris told me to talk to Yuuri.”

“I’m not sure Yuuri–”

“Phichit, it’s fine.” Yuuri appeared behind his shorter friend, looking tired but better than before. “We do need to talk now that I’ve calmed down.”

Phichit nodded and stepped around Viktor, “You can come to my room if you need.”

“Thanks.” Yuuri smiled faintly, “Coming?” 

Viktor nodded and headed into the room, feeling too awkward to sit down. They stood about ten feet apart, looking at anything but each other.

“I’m sorry.” Yuuri finally started. “I was overwhelmed but that doesn’t excuse my shouting at you. I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I was scared and I lashed out which isn’t healthy for me or fair to you.” 

“It's okay,” Viktor said because that was the truth. And because, honestly, he hadn't blamed Yuuri. It was his fault, all of it. “I’m sorry for everything I did. I was so… proud and I didn’t think. I thought you had been saying something to me, through your skating, but I must have been wrong.”

“What did you think I’d said?” Yuuri asked, looking up curiously.

“Your theme is… love and I…” Viktor knew he just needed to say it. He needed to just explain why he screwed them up and get it over with. Then maybe they could pick up the pieces of themselves that he’d scattered. “It really came through and… well… I thought it was directed at me.”

He knew Yuuri deserved someone better. He knew Yuuri wanted someone better. He knew he was just a warm body, just physical intimacy to chase away the loneliness of night. But he’d broken the first rule of friends with benefits from the moment he tugged Yuuri towards his bed because for as much as he’d denied it, he’d loved Yuuri at least since their talk on the beach. Maybe even before that. 

“Directed at you?” Viktor nodded but didn’t look up. He didn’t notice Yuuri move until the shorter man was inches away from him. 

He started, looking up into Yuuri’s brown eyes that had strangely melted into something akin to sympathy before it was too much and he looked back down. 

They were so close, he could practically taste Yuuri’s lips. It hurt. 

“You kissed me because you thought I was saying I loved you?” 

Viktor nodded again, feeling stupid. Suddenly, laughter rang through the quiet room and Viktor looked up again, angry at Yuuri for laughing at him. He knew he was stupid but that didn’t give him any right–

Then Yuuri threw his arms around Viktor’s neck and leaned their foreheads together.

“I’m sorry, Viktor.” His heart sank lower than he thought was possible. “I didn’t know how you felt.”

“I shouldn’t have started anything with you while I had these feelings.” 

“No, Viktor, you don’t understand.” Yuuri’s smile dropped and he looked at Viktor seriously which only confused Viktor more.

“What don’t I understand.”

Then Yuuri leaned in, kissing Viktor soft and chaste. It was nothing like their other kisses were, those hot and rushed like it was something that needed to get done as soon as possible. It lasted for just long enough for Viktor to feel safe like he had on that beach. He was still confused, but maybe a little less so.

“Wait, so…?” Viktor couldn’t find the words to finish the sentence.

“I’ve been trying to tell you I love you since that first championship together but I didn’t think– I never thought you’d want me as anything more than a fling and I guess when you kissed me tonight, I was scared because I thought I knew what you wanted. I thought I knew exactly what our relationship was but then you mixed it up and I didn’t know what it meant.”

“You… love me?”

“Yah, I kind of do.” Yuuri smiled before leaning his head against Viktor’s shoulder. “But I was fine with what we had because I could be close to you.”

“I– me too.” Viktor smiled and wrapped his arms around Yuuri. “When you turned me down on the beach, I didn’t know what to do with my feelings.”

“I didn’t actually turn you down on the beach.” Yuuri pointed out and Viktor chuckled because he was right. It was just hard to see little things like that if someone wasn’t pointing them out. “But I didn’t think you were serious.”

“I’m sorry.” Viktor said again, “For everything.”

“Me too.” Yuuri paused, “I’m really sorry for earlier.”

“It’s okay, I’ve done the same before. I’ve done worse.” Viktor cringed thinking about things he’d said when he was scared and hurting, things meant to hurt other people. Needles special made to keep people far enough away that they’d never hurt him. “Yuuri, I really do love you.”

“Viktor… I love you too.” 

So maybe they’d both been shattered that night and it hurt, but Viktor felt better knowing they didn’t have to pick up the pieces alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Again, writing things that aren't what I should be working on.


End file.
